Thursday, October 19, 2006
Another breathing space and comfort.Over here:http://www.xanga.com/greenieelfinz
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |2:25 PM|
Friday, October 13, 2006
Awakening thoughts by me...Many days i passed, Without realising the true nature of Life, of the very air that i am taking in. The bright yellow rays of sunlight on my hands; The bus i often takes to school.My eyes were glazed.I am slowly awakened,To the very things that i have been missing.So they were.Let Hope enters the lungs that exhales life,Let my heart open to the very beat.Just like a new borned infant today,Let me be awakened.Thwarted ObessionTo others: quirky obession; illogical thoughts; insubstantial reasonings; wild thinking i let loose and out of control.
At that time, it only seemed all to real to me.Aye so, it was an unfounded but realised obession. Tingling fear, bouts of anxieties that attack me again and again. Worries that seem not to go away. And the cloud that seems grey and not absolving. These days, i do wonder when will my eyes be made to see the blue skies on top of my head. I am not so forlorn. I refused to give up. Being awakened by some stuff that was tugged neatly behind my mind, i knew it's time i do something about it. It is heart wrenching to cry everytime when some words manage to move a piece of that inside me. Do i love myself?Do i blame him for all the years when he was not around? Yes to both. It was to me, like a new sunrise i finally saw. I began to see gradually what i have missing and failed to cherish all these while: my present. It was a new sun that i saw when i was awakened with that new relevation. Even i was awed by the courage i muster to fight all that was plaguing me all these while. I guess i just do not want to be stuck in this cloud for too long. I want to feel you, the present, the air of it. It is assuaged by and by with Time that we can never catch up but only fall in place with. I just want to be in tune with it. Therefore, on this very day, i took out my courage and confront it: myself. I had no idea that because of the lack of paternal support all these years when i was growing up could wrought so much damage to the way i view love, to the way i view myself, and therefore, cast doubts to the way i am gona view the other half whom i am going to spend the rest of my life with. I began to understood why i fought so hard to sustain that little piece of fairytale that churns inside my head ever since i was young. That is to find Mr Right, and to live happily ever after. I know i am no snow white, or cinderella. But when i found you, i am really happy. Because we both have the same dream. But it did not occur to me till now why i was forever entrenched in my little world of insecurities and doubts. Generalising you into the broad category that you will leave me one day. I did not know till now. Till now it was all because of a childhood dream being shattered in pieces. Of a perfect role model who was torned asunder into my very eyes on a dark night where the skies were raining. I did not know the memory was so great and painful that i still cry to this very day, even as i am typing these lines. I did not know the hurt was so great, so profound, so deeply embedded inside me that i reenacted the exact turbulence through my anxiety with my hair. I did not know that a paternal love could be so great. So it all turn full circle. It was the same old thing again. And all along i thought i fully got over that fact and accepted it, and truly move on. I do not know when i can say for sure that i can shake out 100% from that hurt that was put to daylight once again. But i know i will. No matter how hard it might seem, i know that i will wake up one day and say i am really happy. Because, being happy is simple in essence. I am not going to live in the past but to breathe in the present. Maybe right now i can only see a single step, i am going to take it despite not seeing that full staircase. If people who are battling terminal stage illnesses and know that they are going to die perhaps the next day, they can still smile and grin, why can't i? The smiles are not plastered. But it is a matter of cherishing the present. We do not know how many days we can live in this world anyway.. so what forth go pursue the past and neglect the wonderful present? I might be encouraging myself, but i will remember that optimism is the foundation of courage- wise words from a wise man. I will confront it one day. i will tell my dad how much i love him, and how much i blamed him for all those years when he was not around when i needed his security. But at the end of the day, i will still give him the hug and hold his fleshy hands just like i did, when i was a kid and he piggy-back me in the zoo. I know i will muster that enough courage soon. I know that i will muster that faith in love again, and tell you that i love you really because you will be that role model for my future kids, a dream that i will cry in sheer happiness that it finally come true. I know this might be a tough phase i am going through but i know with you guys around, and the three angels you gave me, i will stand on my own again.
Thank you so much... =)
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |4:10 PM|
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I need to run!!
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |9:52 PM|
Monday, October 02, 2006
Some happenings
I guess situated somewhere in the
Unbearable Lightness of Being (a nice book by the way), the author talks about fate. And the beauty of coincidences.
So there i was, with Brenda (girl, somehow i think brenda lee sounds nicer.. hm.. or siew rong?? grins..) at clementi platform, musing about crushes and love and yup... the beauty of coincidences. Which kinda makes me think back of how me and my Mr. met... (
still remember?? hehe...)Coincidences are pretty sweet things. They create this little lopsided smile at the edges of your lips, make you savour that very moment as you reflect back of the "similarities" that you and a certain person you are fond of, have.
So... I was telling B.L that hey, i might just change my nick to Investigator Missy Aw. And goody, she helped me to think of a potential occupation after i graduated! Guess what? Stashing aside my dreams of being the next superstar of Singapura, i could be some staff os SDU... or a wedding planner! Sounds pretty cool eh... hahaha.. of cos
lah.Think again, it is always nice to see people finding their right ones and live happily ever after.
If only Reality does not bites so much... we can all live in the fairy tales we spun for ourselves.
Today, i finally saw /
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |10:30 PM|
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
"Bearing one another's burden..."
"Bearing one another's burden helps make the burden bearable".
In the morning, i flipped through the small "daily bread" book that a friend passed to me.
You can say that it is the first time in my life whereby i actually took it out to read.
Today's lesson was "Fearing the worst".
It was about this girl who was diagnosed with cancer and is going through a process of chemotherapy. And her biggest fear was losing her hair. She reckoned it was indeed a vain thought but that she rationalised by thinking it is ok to grieve about a "woman's glory".
Her loss that she was grieving was not her hair, but her identity. She is afraid that once she lose it, she will lose herself as well. Therefore she feared the worst.
However, the "worst never happened".
She had her hair cut short, whereby it did caused a little anxiety, but there were no nightmares as she thought. And then it fell out. She felt some sadness, but not despondency.
Some weeks later, a good pal of hers called and grieved over the phone, saying that she truly emphatise the loss of her hair.
And that was when the person realised that her dear friend was actually fulfilling "Bear one another's burden". By "coming alongside her with prayers and empathy", her friend shared her burden. And for her, her fears for the worst never did come through because she had the love and support of her fellow dear friends.
So whenever you ever visualise that the worst might happened, "the worst will never happened", for what you have at hand are the support and love to tide you through.
And that is the daily bread of Today.
>_<>
And now.. alittle stuff about hugging...
"Hugging is healthy: it helps the body's immunity system, it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it's invigorating, it's rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug.
Hugging is all natural: it is organic, naturally sweet, it has no pesticides, no preservatives, no artificial ingredients, and is 100% wholesome.
Hugging is practically perfect: there are no movable parts, no batteries to replace, no periodic check-ups, has low energy consumption, high energy yield, is inflation-proof, non-fattening, has no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, is theft-proof, non-taxable, non-polluting, and is, of course, fully refundable."
-- Sharon Lindsey
"Hugs are not only nice they are needed... Hugs can relieve pain and depression.. make the healthier happier, and the most secure even more so.. Hugging feels good and overcomes fear... It provides stretching exercise to short people and stooping exercise to tall people... Hugging does not upset the environment.. It saves heat and energy... requires no special equipment.. Hugging makes happy days happier and impossible days possible. "
--Author Unknown
Therefore give a little hug each day....
credits: www.gagirl.com/hugs/hug.html(Ps: I am seeing the meaning in the "bread" i read these 2 days... kinda "weird" for the fears does relate a bit to what i was feeling the last 1 week..Grins.. )
(Had a talk with my mum yesterday and was really surprised at how much she could lift me up and alleviate the worries and stress that had been surrounding me. I guess, perhaps no one can actually understand you best other than the person who have live under the same roof with you for the 21 years. It is a bit bizarre that although we might have drifted as i stepped into adulthood, at the end of the day, our hearts still could communicate in that kinda mother-daughter-fuzzy-sorta-way..
I love you mum. =)
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |4:59 PM|
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
No TerrorWhen everything seemed bleakest, remember, "My times are in Your hands".That is when you can exhange the fear of terror for peace and praise.Learning to live with fear is just like learning to live with having a disability since the moment you might be born with.Since when was it ever highly possible that a single man with only human powers, could claim that i fear no one, heaven or earth?I might be learning something all over again. Or i might have forgotten how it was like to smile, in the expanse of just one week.I am learning to climb, to hop, or if it takes me with a day's weariness, to limp. I will get in tune with all the daily forces of everyday life.I am seeing the meaning, in the simplest, again.
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |7:21 PM|
Monday, September 18, 2006
And the hunger of loving is so acute that it becomes larger and more real than hunger. It turns itself inside out, and -- flayed and tender side outermost -- it whispers: I am not hunger. I am something deeper. I am what reality is made of. -by Dale of mole, August 31, 2006 in Short Shorts. http://ahappening.typepad.com/qarrtsiluni/short_shorts/index.htmlShort-lived MomentsWhy do we cry at short lived moments sometimes? Do we shed our tears because such moments are beautiful? Or do we let our tears fall because such moments are short-lived? And we continue to cry and smile because such moments are beautiful, And out of our grasp. We cry because the moment itself is beautiful. Such moments were etched in our minds for many years to come. That moment of beauty, Seems just like a white dragonfly parading near the skies, Serenading the misty air. Or it might seems like a bottle of magical blue liquid, That lids up in a theatre of lights dimmed. It is beautiful. But as symbolic as such moments represents, The dragonfly passed away some time. The magical blue hue fades to a dirty green. The moments fail. We cry for those were short-lived. We can never hang onto them for longer than we oft want to. The more short-lived the lifespan, The more beautiful. And the more painful to try holding on to.
Mademoiselle Veronica don't like grey skies
at |7:43 PM|
